oh baby

In a very teeny tiny way, (a brief mention once, I think) I said that The Husband and I were trying to conceive.

Well, truth be told, we have been trying since November. So, that's nine full months of full time, umm, ahem.

I know some people who had a baby and, two months later, are pregnant again.

I know some people who "accidentally" got pregnant and are due soon.

I know some people who tried for a month or two and are now pregnant.

And trust me, I'm happy for them all. I mean, how can I not be?!

I know the joys of pregnancy. I know the joys of giving life. I know the joys of being a Mommy.

I'm so deeply, truly, happy for my friends.

But, I'm human.

I didn't start feeling the jealousy monster rear its ugly head until I heard moms talking about how little sleep they're getting because their newborn keeps them up. Or how they'd love a beer or skinny girl margarita but they can't because they're at XX-weeks until due date.

Don't these ladies know the thousands, millions even, of women, who would gladly take their place? Who would happily lose sleep to take care of their new bundle of joy? Who would like nothing more than to fill their empty arms and wanting heart with a baby of their own?

Jealousy is not a pretty trait, I know. And I'm not one to covet what others have.

But a baby? Your own child? That's something that comes from deep within, and so to want a squishy newborn? That's great.

But to have to struggle for one? To pray every night for one? And to know what you're missing out on?

That, my friends, is not great.

My journey the last nine months has been fine. The Husband is so supportive and knows that it's all in G-ds timing. Which, I know too.

But don't we all want a say in our own life's happenings?

After all of this, sometimes I worry. I worry I won't be able to handle two kids. That I won't be a good Mom to two because honestly? Sometimes I feel worn out from one. And I just want to be the best Mom to my kid(s). That's all any of us want.

I worry that I won't give enough to my Husband. I don't want to leave him out because I'm so focused on two kids.

I just worry.

Yet it does no good.

So we wait.

And wait.

Hoping and praying to see a positive line and know that we have the perfect addition to our family awaiting us.

All in G-ds timing.