Lessons

I feel like sometimes, we get so wrapped up in the non-important moments in life that we miss the truly important things.

I feel like sometimes? I need to calm myself down and remind myself to just chill. Relax. Take it easy, Sel.

I wouldn't say I'm a go-with-the-flow type of gal. I mean, I've been like that, sure. With friends. With family. But do I like change, in a moment's notice? Nope. I like structure, organization, planned events. I guess I like to know what's going on so I can prepare. Prepare for what, I'm really not sure. I'm sure that sounds crazy.

As a Mommy, things are rarely under my control. Yes, The Husband and I are the bosses at home. Or so we tell ourselves. But when did I lose sight of the fact that M is just a toddler? That sure, she sometimes knows right from wrong. But does she intentionally upset me? Never. Does she intentionally make a mess to uspet me? Absolutely not.

So why have I been so short with her the past week? Or over the past month?

M has been trying to ride her bike in the house this week. Okay, no problem. And she's learning to pedal and she's getting so good at it! But, if she gets stuck, she stopped saying, "Help please!" and just started whining.

The sound of her whine? Makes me need wine.

Stat.

It drives.me.crazy.

And so I screamed at her twice this week, "STOP IT!" Her reaction? Immediately crying and throwing herself to the floor, covering her face. Then, getting up and coming to me to hug me saying, "I'm sorry, Momma!"

I felt like such a failure. I'm supposed to help her, not discourage her from asking for help. What the hell was my problem?

And, who have I become?

I was always so patient with M.

Until the past month.

I feel like my fuse got shorter with her and I hated myself for it. I love M with all of my being. What was my problem?

I kept talking to The Husband about it and I couldn't figure out what my problem was.

Over the weekend, I had some alone time. I didn't necessarily feel refreshed from it, contrary to what I hear so many Moms say they feel afterwards.

But rather, I missed The Husband and M. A lot.

When I got home from shopping over the weekend, M started becoming cranky. The Husband said she had been an angel all day, no complaining, nothing.

Was it a coincidence that her behavior changed as soon as I got home? I don't know ... I don't necessarily believe in "coincidence."

I saw The Husband handle M being cranky flawlessly. In fact, he was so patient and calm, that it reminded me of how I used to be. My former self.

And honestly? It made me sad. Where did the Mommy I used to be, go?

I decided in that moment, of seeing The Husband hug M, and she calm down, and him talk to her softly and sweetly, that I needed to get back to who I was before.

Not this overly-tense, control-freak, not-able-to-stay-calm-110%-of-the-time person that I'd become.

I also decided that I needed to focus more on M, and less on the other "busy" things that can make up our days. The chores can wait. That last load of laundry? It can wait. Those dust bunnies in the corner? Those can wait too. Because I know for a fact they'll still be there tomorrow.

But my sweet babe? She'll be older tomorrow. She changes minute to minute, it seems. She can wait, sure. But I refuse to make her wait. She deserves better than that.

And I think M has noticed a change. She's happier with me, back to her old happy-all-the-time self. (seriously. she's the happiest child I've ever come across)

She deserves the best, and I want to give her that.

So, I'm sorry M. I'm sorry for being short with you when I shouldn't have been. I'm sorry for not encouraging you, but rather discouraging you. I'm sorry for not being the best Mommy I could be for you, this past month.

My promise to you, sweet girl, is that I will be more patient. I will be more understanding. I will give you more of my attention. Because you, my darling sunshine, deserve all that and more.

To my M and my Husband, thank you for loving me when I'm the most imperfect person.