Moment by Moment

It's been 4.5 days since I felt my sweet Brielle move in my belly.

Four and a half days of grief, overwhelming sadness, moments of crying outbreaks, a few smiles, and miles of tears.

Four and a half days.

I was sitting in my Grandma's favorite chair in the dining room on Saturday.

M and I had come from the new house we just bought for our expanding family because The Husband and his parents were painting and, as I assumed I overdid it the day before by unpacking a kitchen box, was achey. So M and I went to my parents house.

I was sitting, my Grandma was standing next to me. I explained I'd been feeling contractions but, "Baby Almond is here! Look!" and I showed my Grandma the bump on my right side. From my outstretched thumb to the tip of my outstretched middle finger, Brielle's bum fit perfectly.

A perfect tiny little part of my tiny little angel.

And that's the last time I remember feeling my Baby Brielle.

Hubs and I are never far from sadness. Overwhelming sadness.

But we have been surrounded by family and friends and because of that, and our little M, we have managed to smile a few times.

Though I'll admit, it feels wrong to laugh. Or smile. And it's not that it feels good to be sad. Or feel grief. Or know that I may be angry and then cry in two minutes.

But laughing when you just had your heart broken in half? It doesn't seem right.

I say to myself, "I don't know how I've made it through these past few days," quite often.

Then I remember that we have been living, literally, moment by moment.

I am incapable of thinking of plans more than an hour in advance. I can't make decisions right now and honestly? I don't care enough about most things to even want to make a decision.

My husband and M have been my biggest blessings through all of this. I can't say it enough: without those two perfect souls, I wouldn't be getting out of bed everyday, I wouldn't be attempting to get things settled, and I probably would have given up on most things in life.

Moment by moment.

That's our new normal for now.

And I hate it.

I hate every second of this new life we have to become accustomed to.

There were so many July babies that were to be born around when Brielle was.

Those ladies are still pregnant or having their babies.

Me? No longer pregnant when I should be and I don't have my darling Brielle to hold and cuddle, to smell the newborness of. To be tired because of. I have an empty shell of a body with a broken heart.

I hate this new "normal" and I don't see it changing anytime soon.