One Month

Today is July 30th.

That means that it's been exactly one month since I had my Brielle.

She should be one month old today. I should be putting a cute little "1 month" sticker on a onesie, snapping a picture, and sharing it with you all.

I should be saying, "How did a whole month go by already with my newborn?!", but instead, I'm sitting here at my husbands computer, occasionally glancing out at our amazing backyard, seeing visions I've had in my head for months not come to fruition.

That I'd be holding Brielle in these summer days while M runs around and plays soccer, or plays around on her big swingset we bought for her and her sister.

Visions of holding a sweet chubby two month old while we host M's birthday party at our new house in September.

Of me holding sweet baby Brielle while dipping our toes in M's baby pool, while M splashes away and laughs and squirts water at her Daddy.

Of having a housewarming party and passing Brielle around because everyone loves newborns and sweet baby cuddles.  A housewarming party for a house we bought for our expanding family. An expanding family we no longer have now.

I had my four week checkup today. A month ago I had my sweet angel, at 6:22 am.

A month ago exactly, at 1:30am on June 30th, I saw my daughters heart no longer beating. And in that exact moment, my life shattered into a million pieces of chaos and pain, sadness and grief, hurt and confusion. My life as I knew it had ended. A life of innocence and happiness. A life of smiles and laughter and extreme love. Everything turned black, and although sometimes there's glimmer of color and light, most days are still dark.

I'm hopeful that the days become lighter and the moments of extreme darkness become less.

The doctor said that all is well with me. I can resume normal activity, which means I can go back to the gym and restart my intense love affair with Body Combat, Body Attack, Body Pump...

Except all is not well with me.

I'm an empty shell with half of my heart on Earth and half in Heaven.

At the appointment, I got some news about Brielle that I expected.

"Well," the doctor said, "we don't have anything conclusive yet as to what led to Brielle's passing..."

Brielle's passing.

Those words haunt me. And hurt me. So so deeply.

I asked for a copy of the lab report.

INTRAUTERINE FETAL DEMISE is what the report says for "Diagnosis."

It's sickening. Those three words should never go near each other. Ever.

The lab report shed some light on things that were not expected.  Nothing good though. Nothing that brought us answers. Nothing that made us feel better about all of this. I mean, really, what could make us feel better?!?!

There was an infection in my placenta, but the doctor and lab doesn't know if that came as a result of Brielle passing while still in my belly, or if it is what caused her to, umm, no longer be here.

I'll expand more on this when I'm ready...

I just feel like a failure.

I didn't protect my second daughter. My body failed my child. And my husband. My elsest daughter. Myself. All of our families.

My body failed us all.

I'm so sorry for that.

I wish so badly I could find a reason for all of this. But what does it matter? No reason will ever be good enough.

I prayed so hard for my Brielle. I thanked god daily for the blessing of carrying her.

Why? Why does this happen? Why does this happen at all? Why to us? Why to any of us lost parents?

I don't understand any of it.

I never will.

Happy one month of having your angel wings, my sweet Brielle.

I miss you more than you'll ever know and my heart aches for your movement, hiccups, kicks, rolls...

I miss everything about you.

I have a broken heart and spirit because you were stolen from us.

Come back to us, Brielle.

We love you.