July 21st, 2013

Today.

There are so many things that I could say.

That I want to say. I have so many things TO say. But how do I say them all?

How do I explain the grief I feel? That my pregnancy cheated me?

How do I explain that I was pregnant, and then suddenly I'm not... but I was at the end of the pregnancy and suddenly there's no baby as the reward? When you're otherwise supposed to be in the clear and getting ready for that sweet bundle to join your life?

Today, like every other day, sucks.

But today is different, too.

Today was my due date.

For 9 months, 37 weeks, I looked forward so happily to today.

I didn't wish the pregnancy away, not one time. My husband said he only wanted two kids and was adamant about it. So, I tried to soak up the pregnancy and enjoy every part of it.

I never said, "c'mon July 21st! Hurry up and get here!" because let's be honest:

9 months, in the grand scheme of things? Isn't so long.

Don't spend all of your time wishing the pregnancy to be done with. In all actuality, there will be parts of it you miss.

I've been dreading today. Since everything happened exactly 3 weeks ago today, I've been absolutely terrified of today.

I was supposed to still be pregnant the past 3 weeks. I was supposed to be waddling around (even more than I already did) the past 3 weeks. All of these "supposed to's" I have, and all because my sweet Brielle was stolen from us.

I hate it all.

I'm usually such a private person. But I've surprised myself that I've written so openly about Brielle here and on social media.

So I posted this today on Facebook. Because I want people to know that Brielle's story isn't over. Her impact is not fully known yet, but she will make a bigger difference than I know is possible. I feel it in my heart.

I wrote that post after tapping on my pregnancy app. 

My due date, today, 40 weeks. I have no Bumpdate to give. I stopped having weekly bump photos at 36 weeks. I delivered Brielle at 37 weeks exactly so I never got a 37 week photo. That hurts.

My last Bumpdate post was at 35 weeks. I don't even have my last week of being pregnant documented. That hurts.

And it hurt to see the message staring me back in the face on the pregnancy app. You wait so long for something.. something you prayed so long for, were so grateful for, everything good came from it.. and then it's taken from you and there's nothing you can do about it.

And I can't help but wonder, because Brielle was only 4lbs 15oz at 37 weeks - would she have gotten to 6lbs had she gone full term? Would she have made it into "watermelon" status? Or would she still be so petite and another fruit?

Through all of these thoughts, I must be strong.

For whom I need to be strong, I have no clue. M and The Husband have been my rocks during this stormy weather. Our families have been life rafts that have picked me up when I drifted off again.

Everyone has been strong for me.

I hope one day, I'll be strong again.

For my daughter. My husband. Our families. Friends.

But today?

I am weak.

So very very weak.