A Recent Realization

I have a bunch of posts stirring around in my head. Then when I sit at the computer, so many of them flutter away.

It's half annoying and probably half smart of my brain to halt the writing of some of the posts.

I've gotten a few emails lately asking how I'm doing, how my family is holding up.

Sometimes I think we're still living moment-to-moment. Then there are other times where I can plan something for later in the day, like a play date. It's something so simple to do, right? But when you're in the midst of all of the grief and sadness, even thinking about the next minute is an extremely daunting task. I guess that's the best way I can explain it.

My husband told me he read some of my recent blog posts about Brielle. He of course shares my sadness, but he was also sad because he knows he can't take my pain away. And I'm the same - I'm sad not only because of what happened to our sweet Brielle, but because I know my beloved is hurting and sad, and there just isn't a thing in the world I can do to change it. It's a tough pill to swallow. All we can do is be there for each other, in every way we can. And we are.

But my husband made a remark, pertaining to my posts, that I needed to hear.

"Baby, I read your blog posts. You're a great writer, but all of

your latest posts are so sad. And I don't expect them to be different!!

Of course you're sad! But I guess I'm used to your funny and witty posts.

It just sucks this is our situation."

And I totally get what my husband is saying. He's used to one thing, and not seeing that. And then he reads sad posts, that he shares the sadness and grief with the author of, and it's just a "blah" situation.

I get it. I understand completely.

So I decided, because my husband made me realize I'm not being vocal about it, that I need to make a list of what I have in life that makes this sometimes shitty ride, actually worthwhile.

I don't want my blog to be a downer. Although I know writing about Brielle won't always be uplifting, I also don't want to re-read posts from this time in my life, at some point in the distant future, and think, "What about all of the blessings you do have, Sel?" Because I'm very aware of all of the positive in my life. And although I know there are more sad and depressing posts to come, I also want there to be positive posts thrown in too.

Anyway.

My list of Haves that make life worth living for.

First on the list? My daughter, M. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that I simply would not have gotten out of bed since June 30th, 2013, if it weren't for this little person. When you have a cuddly and extremely loving little person that kisses you first thing in the morning and says, "Good morning, sweetheart!", there really is no way you can stay in bed. M's attitude is invigorating and what I need to get through the day.

My husband is a Have as well. I met him when I was 16 years old. I had a crush on him instantly. I wouldn't have gotten through any of this without him. I have so many memories of us since June 30th at 12:30am, and most of them involving us either giving each other a hug, cuddling, or just sitting by each other. What no one really knows, (until now, of course) is that those times when we aren't talking, but are sitting by each other? Is when we're supporting each other the most. We don't need to speak to understand one another through all of this.

My parents, brother and sister are Haves, too. I mean, family is family and when it comes to mine? I got the best. There isn't a day where at least one of the people I just mentioned hasn't checked on us. We've been blessed with a family that is supportive in any and every way. And it doesn't pertain just to the situation with Brielle.

There's a special place for friends on this list too. One of my best friends drove over three hours to come to me as soon as she heard the news about Brielle. Other friends left work and came to us in the midst of our grief. People checked on us in the middle of the night, first thing in the morning, and all throughout the day. People sent us messages via snail mail, social media, and email.

I'll end this list with Brielle. I know that I'll never understand why this happened. Because there will never be a reason for this happening to her. To us. No medical "reason" will ever be a good enough explanation as to why our sweet innocent child was stolen from us.

But I hope that in time, I will learn of Brielle's purpose for me, our family. She was here for 9 months to teach me something, to help me grow, to open my heart more, maybe? I know she had and has a purpose. I just need her to help me understand what it all entails.

But Brielle is another reason I'm living. And she'll continue to live on through her sister, her Daddy, and me.