My birthday, which is this Friday, was going to be a great time with family, celebrating another year granted to me and being surrounded by those I love the most. I'd have my one month old to squish and love on, and pass her around to those that love her almost as much as me.
But as we know, my birthday won't be quite how I imagined it.
I don't have my one month old to love on. Or squish and cuddle and kiss.
I'll definitely be loving on my almost 3 year old. You can count on that.
And I certainly didn't imagine starting off my birthday week with having to go to the cemetery to chose a headstone for my beautiful angel, Brielle.
Seeing her full name written on a "Headstone Order Form" just about did me in yesterday.
The Husband and M were with me, so my crying was kept to a minimum, though. I don't want M to see me crying all the time.
For Brielle's spot, we chose a beautiful little phrase that made me sob and weep when I read it. Then when I ran it by my husband, he got teary eyed too. We knew it was perfect for Brielle. And us.
My husband also wanted a little butterfly somewhere on the stone. So, there's a beautiful butterfly, with open wings, that's going to adorn my daughters headstone.
I feel sick even typing those last few words.
My daughters headstone.
Who the hell has to write that? What happened that made us have to go through this? What made my daughter lose her life, AT FULL TERM, and leave us all robbed?
I'm so lost.
The stone will arrive in 6-8 weeks. At that time, we'll drop off the carseat toys we bought her just days before all of this happened.
The carseat toys we picked out, one from The Husband and I, and one from M, will now adorn her grave instead of her carseat.
I hate this. I hate this all.
And I wish so badly my birthday week was starting off with kisses and hugs from my three loves, instead of just two of them.
I want the visions and dreams I had for this week.
Not my reality.
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I remember ALL of things like they were yesterday and it was almost nine years ago. I wish that I could take your pain away but all I can do is tell you that if you need someone to talk to, I am here for you.. it's going to take time to ease your pain. After I lost Miller, I had to find different outlets to help with my grief. I became proactive in support groups, etc. I did all the research I could to help myself. I'm including these twos link because they have a TON Of info, including webpages that offer support.. http://stillproject.org/ and http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/BP_Resources.htm
ReplyDeleteI know I keep saying this but I love you friend! I would take you to a nice lunch and make fun of people so you would laugh. And get Starbucks afterward. And get you a gag gift and a real gift (so you would smile.) for your birthday.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine what your going through. Still in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteStill thinking about you constantly...I know this isn't the way you wanted to celebrate your birthday...
ReplyDeleteYour sweet girl's body may be laid to rest in that place... and I hate that for you. Hate it. But Brielle is not there, my friend. Keep that in your heart and mind. Love and hugs.
ReplyDelete