Ups and Downs

This week. What can I say about it.

Tuesday was a really really hard day for me. My anxiety was high and I was just sort of out of it. I used to take medicine for my anxiety, but stopped years ago. I think I'll start taking it again. I mean, in my situation, it's understandable, I'm guessing.

I'm trying to focus on M and getting her outside to enjoy the summer weather. I admit, sadly, that she hasn't been out anywhere near as much as last summer. Because last summer? We were still in our condo and we were outside every single day. Honestly. There wasn't a day that M wasn't outside last summer. This summer? M is lucky to get outside a few times a week. So starting a few weeks ago, I've made it a point to get her out and to the park, or to have play dates, etc.

Tomorrow is my birthday and my wonderful husband took off to spend the day with us. We'll go to a local water park, just like we did on my birthday last year, after M has her morning gym class.

We've invited all of my family over and we'll grill. The weather is supposed to be sunny and in the mid 80's. Fingers crossed it stays as predicted.

I'm trying to give grief a space, rather than grief taking over all of the space in my life.

I'll be the first to acknowledge that I haven't fully accepted what's happened. That Brielle may never come back to us. I just can't deal with the whole truth right now. I want to accept it, trust me. Because who wants to live in denial?  But, I just can't. I can't acknowledge the truth and so I'm sort of stuck in this never ending cycle of grief, sadness, anger, denial, wash-rinse-repeat. I know that until I accept the truth about what happened, that I'll never really make progress with all of this. But I'm not ready to accept that I'll never have Brielle in my arms again. So, I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this new reality that I didn't want or ask for, while the rest of the world just moves along in their everyday lives.

I'm stuck in this hell.

But I'm trying to not let the sadness and grief take over my entire day anymore. Trying is the key word.

Like yesterday. We went to our condo to visit M's friends and to chat. I was talking to the mom's about Brielle and how sad and frustrated I am about everything. The moment I finished talking, like literally, the second I finished speaking, a yellow butterfly gingerly flew by.

Now, I don't believe in coincidence.

So I'm thinking it was Brielle letting me know that physically, she's not here. But spiritually, mentally, emotionally, she's here. And she's okay.

And, it was the first butterfly I saw in two weeks! I keep wishing to see more, but I don't. They aren't flying around in our backyard like they used to. It makes me sad, but what can I do.

I'm just trying to deal with everything as it comes. The baby fever I have that was supposed to be filled with my own sweet girl. The jealousy I have that everyone seems to get to keep their baby but me. The anger I feel over why this happened, why it wasn't prevented (if it could've been), etc.

I'm still living moment-to-moment. A lot of times I feel like I'm just existing, not really alive. I can't remember the last time I really felt alive! And truly happy! And carefree!

I hope it returns soon. At least one of those things. Because, geez. Living in this sadness is no fun.