The Days and Daze

If I've learned anything from the past year, it's that in order to survive tragedies like losing your child, you must be in some sort of daze.






Where the past year has gone is beyond me. How is my oldest daughter almost 4? How does she have one more year of preschool and then it's the big Kindergarten?!






I know becoming a parent makes time go by faster anyway. But when a tragedy happens, and you're suddenly at an angelversary, you think to yourself, "how have I survived the past year?" or however many years it's been.






I've been in a daze, I'm sure.






Just the other day I felt like I was in the present, but not alive. I'm here, heart beating, pulse pounding, blood flowing. But there is a part of my heart that went with Brielle. And because of that, I haven't felt truly alive since losing Brielle.






I say all of this as my days are currently filled with shuttling M around. She has summer camp three days a week. Soccer just ended, as did ballet. But M also has gym class one day a week. Girlfriend is busy and loves it.






She's currently shouting, at the top of her lungs, Let It Go. Have you heard that song? It's from some movie... not sure which one... :) M is also running around the living room whilst singing. Free entertainment and hilarity ensues.



I do feel bad about not having any posts about M in the past year. This blog went from writing about random and mundane things to all about my favorite almost 4 year old, to all grief and sorrow and sadness.






The progression of life, it should not be.


I'm dreading June 30th, as many of you know. But The Husband and I are focusing on M and house projects. Once one thing is completed, something else inevitably pops up. Forget the fact that this house is a fixer-upper, a fact we did not know at the time of purchase.


It's been a process, to say the least. But we have the dining room all done. Like, 100% done. So, there's that. One room down, a dozen to go.


You  have to start somewhere, right?