Three Years.

Life.

 

Sometimes it's amazing. Sometimes it kicks our butts.

 

June 30th, 2013 started me on a new road in life. A road I didn't want. I road I would have willingly gone without. A road I didn't foresee and still can't believe I'm on.

 

I have to live this life without one of my children.

 

It still doesn't make sense to me, three years later. I remember my water breaking and my husband eagerly driving me to the hospital. We had to stop by our new house to pick up the diaper bag. "So," my husband said with a huge grin on his face, "this is what it's like to have to rush your wife to the hospital in labor!" He was so happy and so excited! I wouldn't see that same smile for a long time.

 

How have three years gone by, and I'm still here? How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without one of my kids?

I  made a compilation of my tweets from a few years ago, and they speak so clearly where I'm at currently:

 

It has been three years since I had my angel Brielle. Right now three years ago, I laid draped across the bassinet Brielle laid in, sobbing over her body. People were talking around me but I couldn't hear anything. I remember that at the time, I thought of all the women who lost children in genocides, war, accidents.. And we all weep over our children. I'm forever intertwined amongst a lost group of people who so badly want life's greatest treasure back, which was so unjustly taken from us. At around 4:30pm on June 30th, 2013, I was wheeled out of a maternity ward where I heard other newborns crying, but I had to leave mine behind. That was the last time I saw Brielle. The last time I kissed her. Smelled her. Hugged her. Why didn't I hold her longer? Despite being medically diagnosed with Heartbroken Syndrome in 2014, I look to my rays of sunshine here on earth to keep me going. Some days it's still just one foot in front of the other. But it's still going forward. Happy third birthday, my angel Brielle. I miss you every moment of every day.

 

If I could give my last breath for Brielle to have her first, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

 

I love you, sweet girl. I'm so sorry. Come back to us. We miss you.