Life lately

A month ago, I wrote a blog post. Blogger tells me it was April 14th at 10:42 a.m. And I remember writing it.

I was sitting on the couch in the living room, in total darkness. My husband was upstairs with M and I was upset about something. It all stems from being so grief-stricken over losing Brielle. I know it.

Every single thing in my life now, when sadness/anger/negative emotion are in play, can go back to losing my second daughter. You may not believe it, but I can relate all of it.

Anyway.

I obviously didn't publish that post because, duh, you haven't read it. And, I'm kind of glad I didn't publish it.

It was SO raw. Maybe I'll post it one day. I don't even know.

But just know that I'm here. And I miss blogging. But people have told me they don't want to read my sadness anymore. So I've either said a.) stop reading my blog then or b.) have stopped blogging.

It's a "whatever" response, really. And I'm okay with that.

After what happened last June 30th, so many things have become "whatever".

I've become more protective over M, but choose my battles more carefully.

I'm no longer caught up in the small things. It's been freeing at times, but then I quickly remember I shouldn't have changed into a more care-free person, because the horrible situation that occurred to make me this way is just, well, a nightmare.

But I'm here. Focusing on M. She keeps me engaged, as does my husband and family. And that's what I need.

And I saw a butterfly the other day. The first one of the season. This time last year, I would've smiled at the beauty of it and kept going. Now I remember #briellesbutterflies that became my hashtag of the year last year, and it brought me sadness.

Just a year ago, I was so happy and we were in such a good place. We were looking at new houses, enjoying our fun and hilarious 2.5 year old, excited for our second daughter to be joining our family soon. Making sure I added bumpdates to the blog, enjoying hgtv for home-improvement projects...

Life seemed so innocent back then. And happy. And care-free.

Oh to rewind life.

Wouldn't that be amazing?